There’s nothing there

8 am. I am first in the queue for the ultra-sound. They start arriving in after me, two by two. The glowing expectant mums with their partners, some with other small children in tow. We all sit together,waiting for the ultra-sound. I dreamed I would be sitting here in a few weeks time, hearing my baby’s heart beat for the first time, making it real. Instead I am waiting for the scan that will confirm there is nothing there – which is exactly what the radiographer proclaims coldly to me an hour later. “I can’t see anything there anymore”.  I am empty.

Later, the doctor tells me as a precaution they will have to check that there is not an ectopic pregnancy, as nothing has shown up on the monitor. She takes my blood and I am told to return in 48 hours. This test will determine if my pregnancy hormone levels are dropping as they should be, when a miscarriage occurs. If, they don’t, then this will tell her that an ectopic pregnancy has taken place. She says it is highly unlikely though and that she is sure I have just had a miscarriage. She tells me it has been a complete miscarriage, and so I will not need a D&C, a small blessing in this terrible week.

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