Things my heart ached over this week

I took leave over the summer from my job. I needed that time to grieve and to heal. As I work and live in a different county from my husband due to my job, I didn’t want to spend that time apart from him during the summer. I needed his support. I wish I could say I have gone back to work this week, feeling refreshed and healed, but sadly I don’t. I feel tired and drained, but nevertheless, it is good to get back into a routine, and to have something other than babies to think of. Except..it hasn’t quite worked out that way. My heart has ached and grieved over something quite unexpected….

Each morning as I drive to work, I pass by the battalions of mums walking their excited chattering little ones to school. Often they have babies in tow too. As the traffic is invariably slow, I have plenty of time to observe this sight and my heart has grieved over it. When you loose a child, you loose your future with that child. I have lost that future opportunity to prepare my lost baby for his/her first day at school. 

My heart ached as I looked at the pictures posted on Facebook of my friend’s little boy’s first day at school, as I opened the email from my brother with the pictures of my two little nephews, one of them starting his own first day of school too.

My heart ached when someone brought their new born baby into work to show off to everyone. 

My heart aches all the time these days……

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. toni
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 09:29:57

    oh I am so sorry that your heart is aching this week. I hope it gets better for you soon x

    Reply

  2. sally
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 09:30:39

    I too often feel like this when driving to work, especially at the start of term. Just want you to know that you aren’t alone in feeling like this…

    Reply

  3. suze
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 09:31:17

    ah yes, it is all those milestones and special moments you will never share with your lost baby – it is heart breaking

    Reply

  4. autoimmunelife
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 13:26:47

    ((hugs))
    I know what you mean… 😦
    J
    http://autoimmunelife.wordpress.com

    Reply

  5. mkwewer
    Sep 11, 2009 @ 14:00:02

    I know how you feel…a close friend just had a little boy and is bugging me to come see him. I can’t. It’s too hard and I’m not strong enough. It is nice to know that I’m not alone though…

    Reply

  6. iamstacey
    Sep 13, 2009 @ 10:11:41

    I hear you, I want it so badly, too! {{hugs}}

    Reply

  7. JBBC
    Sep 13, 2009 @ 10:24:54

    Thanks for hearing me 🙂

    Reply

  8. Lorna
    Sep 14, 2009 @ 18:47:07

    REading this makes me realise how lucky I am to have 2 school-going kids. Like you, I would love (another) baby. I really hope it happens for you all. I can empathise with how you are feeling to an extent (a friend’s new people-carrier set me off the other day- she’s expecting her third)!

    Reply

  9. JBBC
    Sep 14, 2009 @ 18:50:09

    I am in danger of turning this into one long moan fest! I was in the park yesterday and watching all the little ones and the babies in the sunshine really undid me I’m afraid. I had to leave the park in tears. Is it always going to hurt this much?

    Reply

  10. Lorna
    Sep 14, 2009 @ 19:10:03

    I’m not sure. My heart goes out to you. One thing that has struck me in the past is how friendships are forged and sometimes broken over infertility – when one person goes on to have a baby, it can be very hard for the person who is still trying.
    I really hope the acupuncture proves successful

    Reply

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