I almost wish I had never got pregnant

“I almost wish it had never happened, that I had never got pregnant”. I found myself saying those words to a girl I met for the first time last night. I was sitting beside her at a dinner my husband and I were attending for his work. Usually I endure rather than enjoy these events, but as luck would have it, I got sitting beside someone who works in the area of cancer epidemiology and we started talking about that subject – this being another topic I have a lot of experience in.  I talked with her about the issue of younger women and cancer and fertility but I did so from a professional stand point. However, a few hours into the evening, she confided in me that she was having fertility challenges too and I felt an even greater affinity with her. And that’s when I told her that part of me wished I had never got pregnant in the first place. Before the pregnancy this year, I was coming around to accepting that my breast cancer treatment had left me infertile. It was very upsetting of course, but in a way while there was a defined reason for not getting pregnant  it was somehow easier to deal with. It was out of my hands – it was nothing I had done or hadn’t done that prevented me from conceiving. We weren’t even trying to conceive in any major planned way – we weren’t on this roller coaster of emotions that I find myself on now that I am dealing with secondary infertility. I am finding this new situation even harder than the days when I thought that only a miracle would see me conceive. I believed in miracles in those days, but my faith in miracles is being sorely tested as the weeks and months slip by…

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. tanya
    Sep 18, 2009 @ 18:58:52

    I think i can understand what you mean. It is a cruel twist of fate.

    Reply

  2. Jane G
    Sep 19, 2009 @ 08:50:31

    I don’t know what to say other than to offer you a cyber hug xx

    Reply

  3. Lorna
    Sep 21, 2009 @ 07:06:34

    I was thinking about this post last night. I know it is incredibly cruel but there is a positive side, you know you can get pregnant. I know it has brought up the pain again esp as you had reconciled yourself to not having children.

    This didn’t help me at the time but I think it has, slowly! some people believe that a miscarried baby (no matter how early the miscarriage) stays with the mother until the mother feels able to send it on its way (to whereever – your belief lies), others believe it always stays with you.
    You can get pregnant – that is a huge positive and hopefully the acupuncture will sort things out soon and you’ll be able to carry a baby to full term.
    x
    PS well done for writing so eloquently about your feelings. I often thought of starting a blog to express mine but felt I was so consumed by it all, that writing about it might somehow make me worse but maybe it would have helped. I feel I am coming out the other side – at last. Having said that, bottled things up again this weekend – ovulating and finding it hard to reconcile myself to the fact that it may not work – even though I am relatively relaxed that it will happen eventually when the time is right.

    Reply

  4. JBBC
    Sep 21, 2009 @ 08:32:50

    Lorna your comments here are hugely helpful not just to me but I am sure to many others. I really appreciate that you take the time to write such great comments – many many thanks to you!

    Reply

  5. fiona
    Sep 21, 2009 @ 13:46:09

    Yes indeed – we all need to remember the ways in which we are blessed!

    Reply

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