All I want for Christmas..

I haven’t written a post in such a long time. The reason is quite simple – I’ve run out of things to say…or rather…run out of anything new to say. 

I am living in limbo. The dictionary defines limbo as the state where a person or project is held up, suspended, in a state of uncertainty. That’s me alright. In short, nothing is happening. We are awaiting an appointment with the fertility clinic in January (the month in which my baby was due) and until then, each month, we try and each month we fail to get pregnant. Sexual intimacy has been replaced by scheduled sex  – and the strain is showing on us both. And all this before we decide whether we want to even climb aboard the merry-go-round which is fertility treatment.

So life carries on. Another child-less christmas is around the corner and the sadness of loss and grief knits itself a little deeper into the fabric of our lives.  Last night I babysat my two adorable nephews, aged 8 and 5. Their talk was all about what Santa Claus is bringing them for Christmas and how they figured out how Santa can be so many places at once on Christmas Eve – it’s quite simple, he has a special clock which stops time!

This all came after a day spent shopping and watching the excited little faces of all the children waiting in line to see those fake-bearded Santas – not the real one with the special clock, but his substitutes, who will do for now, because no child will look a gift horse in the mouth.

Anyone experiencing the same uncertainty, the same grief, the same ups and and downs of a journey with infertility knows what I am talking about when I say that Christmas without your longed for child, is a cold place. When all you want from Santa Claus is the gift of your own child to hold.

But does it do any good to keep writing about this?  Is there not a limit to how many times I can bemoan my loss and my child-less state? This blog was started as a record of my pregnancy, then took an unexpected turn into a pregnancy loss and infertility blog, and now..well now it exists in a limbo state – a state of nothingness. So, for the moment, I am not sure if this is helping me anymore.  I sincerely appreciate all your support, and continue to keep you all in my heart as you too journey along the way. My wish for you all as we approach the end of another year is for a New Year filled with hope and fresh possibilities.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lorna
    Nov 29, 2009 @ 22:41:19

    I hope you will be able to resume writing this blog when you commence the fertility treatment and I hope it will help you. I look forward to reading ‘diary of a miracle’ blog posts whenever you do become pregnant.
    I can only imagine how you feel facing a childless Christmas but I do understand how you feel as the month approaches when your baby would have been due. I know I felt that that loss of that baby wouldn’t have been so bad if another replaced it (ie if I became pregnant again before that expected date). My heart goes out to you. I don’t pray too often but I hope and pray it all works out for you and that by next Christmas, you’ll be heavily pregnant or have a tiny baby.
    I am filled with optimism for 2010, I really hope it is a good year for you and Billy, lots of love Lorna

    Reply

  2. Lily
    Nov 30, 2009 @ 19:06:35

    I read this blog post this morning before I went to work and it stayed with me all day. I really felt for you and what you wrote.

    You wished others a ‘New Year filled with hope and fresh possibilities’. Please include yourself in that. I so wish that your dream comes true for you in 2010, you so deserve it.

    Fingers crossed with you and for you.

    Reply

  3. kathleen
    Dec 01, 2009 @ 09:12:48

    Like Lily, I really felt moved by your post and once again like Lily, I also wish you a New Year filled with hope and fresh possibilities x

    Reply

  4. carina
    Dec 01, 2009 @ 09:13:51

    oh I can so identify with everything you have written here – facing another childless christmas myself – I can understand the pain, the sadness and the longing you feel. May be all have a New Year filled with hope and fresh possibilities!

    Reply

  5. paula
    Dec 04, 2009 @ 10:53:07

    my heart goes out to you and to all of us in this position..

    Reply

  6. Womb For Improvement
    Dec 06, 2009 @ 13:51:29

    It’s tough. I started my blog to document the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant, but I never really thought it would take as long as it has. And like last christmas, I fervently hope next Christmas will be different.

    Reply

  7. sarah clarke
    Dec 13, 2009 @ 09:10:49

    I wish all the best for you in the coming year. Don’t give up hoping!

    Reply

  8. chupi
    Dec 18, 2009 @ 08:58:27

    your readers comments are so supportive and say it all really – not much more to add except that I too understand what you are experiencing.

    Reply

  9. sopha
    Dec 18, 2009 @ 14:23:19

    yes, never give up hoping. I was waiting 9 years waiting for my christmas miracle and I got there in the end!

    Reply

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