Christmas Day

Yesterday, the scene was all set for the perfect Christmas. It was Christmas Eve and I had a secret I was holding in my heart, which would make this the best Christmas ever. I was planning on sharing it with my husband later that evening..but for now, I was busy, preparing for tomorrow. I was making his favourite dessert for him, prepping the veg, making mince pies…while outside the kitchen window the snow fell gently from a blue sky – everything covered with powder snow and the sun sparkling off tiny crystals floating in the air like diamonds…a perfect Christmas card magical scence. We hadn’t had snow in Ireland since the early 80s, and I saw it as another sign of the most perfect Christmas ever. On the radio, Bing Crosby was crooning White Christmas, and the lyrics filled me with wonder, because we really were having a white Christmas this year. And then Judy Garland started to wish us a merry little christmas and my heart filled with joy when she sang ..”from now on, our troubles will be out of sight”.  In the corner, the lights on the Christmas tree twinkled and everything was perfect! 

A few days beforehand, I had taken a pregnancy test, not daring to believe that my missed period and the queasy feeling I was having, meant I was pregnant again. But there it was, that unmistakable blue line. I took two more tests and they all said the same thing to me..I had my Christmas miracle. I was pregnant again. As my husband said later to me, you think you’d learn not to get so excited too soon. But, I just had a feeling that everything was going to be ok this time.  

I was taking the mince pies out of the oven when I felt that familiar ache in my lower abdomen and I knew right away that my dream was about to be shattered again.  The bleeding had started, and I was having another miscarriage.  My short lived Christmas miracle has died.

I am lying in my bed now on Christmas Day and downstairs I can hear the strains of Bing Crosby once again ..while the turkey sits uncooked in the fridge, the presents lie unopened under the tree and my dreams lie shattered. I can hear poor hubby rummaging around trying to make himself something to eat and I feel guilty that his Christmas has been spoiled. 

Please, as you read this,  keep me in your thoughts that I can find the strength to get through this loss again, and if you are going through something similar right now, my wish is the same for you. That your hope in a better year remains strong, and you find your strength to keep going, and that this time next year..all our troubles will be far away….

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44 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. autoimmunelife
    Dec 25, 2009 @ 17:41:15

    I am sitting here crying for you and thinking of you… I hope for strength for you.
    I would have been 7 months along right now if I hadn’t miscarried the first time, and 3 or 4 months now if I hadn’t miscarried the second time, so I feel for you on the needing strength to make it through loss again. 😦 ((hugs))
    You are in my thoughts!
    J
    http://autoimmunelife.wordpress.com

    Reply

  2. JBBC
    Dec 25, 2009 @ 17:52:06

    Thank you, thank you! It feels strange to be reaching out to “strangers” on Christmas Day for comfort..but only someone who has been through this can truly understand what it is like…

    Reply

    • autoimmunelife
      Dec 30, 2009 @ 14:01:12

      You are very welcome.
      And it does seem strange, but it’s so nice knowing that the comfort is there, and that you aren’t alone. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. 😦

      Reply

  3. jessicalm82
    Dec 25, 2009 @ 23:18:36

    My prayers are with you . I also was hoping to share the joy with my family of a pregnancy today and I also miscarried again . My heart and prayers are with you!

    Reply

  4. rachel47
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 00:31:12

    I am so sorry that this has happened to you, esp at Christmas time – it seems particularly cruel 😦

    Reply

  5. ashling
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 00:32:06

    You poor thing..I know how much you wanted your Christmas miracle..hang on in there!

    Reply

  6. carrie67
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 00:33:06

    The same thing happened to me three years ago and i know how painful it is to have it happen at this time of year.

    Reply

  7. dancinginthedark
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 00:34:14

    So upsetting to read this – so sorry for you.

    Reply

  8. fiona
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 00:34:57

    Sending you good thoughts and healing wishes.

    Reply

  9. Lily
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 09:24:03

    Marie, so sorry, I know how much you want this. You are very much in my thoughts.

    Reply

  10. Trackback: Time to take off the mask « Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer
  11. Kim
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 15:15:11

    I commented on your other blog, but after reading your blog felt the need to comment here…I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried once and it was a very sad time in my life. It was especially hard with the lack of understanding from others. I pray that you have an understanding and supportive social network to help you with the saddness. My daugher recently miscarried and the saddness returned. My heart just broke for her. Ohh, how I wish I could fix this for you and that you once again could express the joy of your surprise…please know that my prayers are with you as you journey down this road to healing. Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

    Reply

  12. walsh_myers
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 17:41:08

    Oh you poor pet…this is a tough break alright – hang on in there honey – I am sure things will get better x

    Reply

  13. Jane
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 19:04:31

    Ah pet, I am so so sorry to read this. Yesterday above all days. Life can be so shit sometimes. Remember, not only do you have internet friends the other side of the ocean, you have one twenty minutes drive away. So if you feel up to it and you want some company, please give me a call or a text and I will be there. Thinking of you xx

    Reply

  14. debbie
    Dec 27, 2009 @ 21:56:11

    Dearest Marie, just wanted to let you know in as many ways as I can how sorry I am for your loss. You are an amazing person and I feel so sorry that you are going through this again and I wish I could be there to support you and help you heal. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. All my love to you, Debbie xxx

    Reply

  15. Rach
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 06:25:23

    I’m so truly sorry. I hope that New Year can bring with it some kind of peace for you, even if it’s only a little bit.

    xxxx

    Reply

  16. Michele
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 13:43:11

    oh hon… I am so sorry,

    from lfca

    Reply

  17. Rebel
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 14:50:48

    Here from LFCA…

    I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot find the words that would make you feel better, as if there were some.

    Hugs,
    Rebel

    Reply

  18. Jenn
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 15:55:00

    You were not alone with your grief on Chrismas Day, I experienced the same thing too… I’m so so sorry.

    Reply

  19. manapan
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 16:13:15

    Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry. As if a loss isn’t bad enough–but your Christmas miracle? Sending hugs and support, and hoping that the new year can bring you some measure of healing.

    from LFCA

    Reply

  20. HereWeGoAJen
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 16:20:43

    I am so sorry. I will be thinking about you.

    Reply

  21. cowgirltn
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 17:47:53

    I am so sorry. Prayers for you and DH.

    Reply

  22. staciet
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 22:15:44

    Oh, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Many hugs to you.

    Reply

  23. Katie
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 22:45:35

    I am so, so sorry. Loss at any time is unfair, but loss at Christmas seems an extra twist of the knife.

    I will be thinking of you, your husband, and your sweet baby.

    Reply

  24. amanda casali
    Dec 29, 2009 @ 10:45:22

    Just read your blog this morning, can’t put into words how sad I feel for you, I know how much you want this. There really is nothing to say to make a difference, my thoughts are with you, all my love Amanda xxxxx

    Reply

  25. Celia
    Dec 29, 2009 @ 22:49:59

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It is never easy, but really does seem cruelest during the holidays. My heart is with you.

    Reply

  26. kmina
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 10:07:59

    I got here from LFCA.

    I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss.
    It is cruel and undeserved and nothing will ever be the same again.
    I pray you find the strength to go on.

    {HUGS}

    Mina

    Reply

  27. JBBC
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 13:18:42

    Oh my goodness, I am overwhelmed by all your support – thank you all from the bottom of my (fragile) heart xxxxx

    Reply

  28. Chickenpig
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 15:58:55

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish with all my heart that at next year’s Christmas you have something to celebrate.

    LFCA

    Reply

  29. tbonegrl
    Dec 31, 2009 @ 01:28:20

    I want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish I could hug you through the computer.

    Reply

  30. Jody
    Dec 31, 2009 @ 02:44:22

    My dear Marie,
    I’m so terribly sorry that you and your husband were visited by loss at Christmas-time. It is unfair and undeserved. The fault can be put to rest in the wake of cancer — nothing at all to you with either one of you — and the awful treatment you had to endure to be here with us. This is a double blow. First the blow of cancer; then the blow of upending your fertility. I don’t know if this is “forever” — because you are my dear friend and I want what you want, hope what you hope, love what you love — I can only be here by your side, praying for another result. I love you. You are a dear friend, an terrific voice for cancer and all things good,
    Jody

    Reply

  31. tess martin-fox
    Dec 31, 2009 @ 19:23:28

    you are such a multi-dimensional woman wrapped up in a myriad of emotions due to all the bangs that life has allowed you to encounter. this is what creates the depth that you display.
    i am so sorry for your many losses. no woman ever learns not to get too excited about their pregnancy. you could not contain your joy if you tried. all your past dreams returned to heap on top of another big ol’ DREAM.
    i give you full on respect for sharing this and digging so deep. blessings on you and your hubby’s healing from this shattering of your vision for your family.
    i pray for strength and health for you in 2010. you matter to so many of us survivor’s and are impacting our lives in real ways thru your refreshing candor.

    Reply

  32. Myndi
    Jan 01, 2010 @ 04:01:07

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. Like you, I miscarried recently, at 12 weeks, 2 days prior to Christmas. Such a horrible and painful experience. I hope that you are able to find some peace in the coming weeks. Know that many of us out here are thinking of you. Take it easy and take care of yourself. Hugs and best wishes.

    Reply

  33. Steph
    Jan 04, 2010 @ 11:00:29

    Marie

    I’m so sorry to read of what you’ve been going through. I was not aware of your fertility problems until you wrote about it so bravely and honestly, on JBBC.

    Firstly, may I say how sorry I am to hear of your miscarriage over Christmas. I had tears in my eyes as I read your post above as I too have experience of miscarriage and know well the depth of despair that accompanies it. My heart goes out to you that your dreams were shattered so cruelly on Christmas Eve.

    Miscarriage is never easy but it’s double whammy when infertility is also an issue.I know that time is not on your side but I take hope from the fact that you have conceived more than once even though you’ve gone on to miscarry. I fervently hope that your appointment with the fertility specialist will offer new avenues of hope for you and your husband.

    In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Miracles do happen.

    Hugs,
    Steph

    Reply

    • JBBC
      Jan 04, 2010 @ 12:35:38

      Thank you so much Steph for that beautiful and supportive comment – it means more to me than you can know! Wishing you good health and happiness in the New Year! Marie

      Reply

  34. Elaine Rogers
    Feb 08, 2010 @ 13:55:08

    Tragic and soul destroying – your story
    Frank, honest and strong – that is you.
    At what point does one say “enough”?
    I feel you will keep trying and I wish you and your husband all the strength to do so.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and true feelings, you have touched thousands of women, and provided support and solidarity to them. I am sure it is coming back to you 10 fold and you will find the strength to get through this.

    Love and Light x

    Reply

  35. Trackback: I said I wouldn’t complain but… « Diary of a Miracle

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