Putting on an act

Thanks for all your supportive comments on my Christmas Day post. A few weeks ago, I had pretty much decided to wind up this blog, as I had nothing new to say, and thought it was becoming tedious to keep bemoaning my child-less state. And then, something like this happens, and just having somewhere to reach out, to even have one person take the time to say I understand what you are going through, makes me so grateful to still have this blog.

So, today is the day after Christmas, and the poor turkey is still languishing in the fridge, along with the brussel sprouts, and all the usual accompaniments. I am hoping for enough energy to get up today and stick the festive bird in the oven – not that I care about eating, but I feel bad for hubby that Christmas was effectively cancelled yesterday and all he ate were some cheese sandwiches, mince pies and a selection box which was meant for the neighbours little boy, but which big kid here ate in desperation. Last night I heard him on the phone to his parents, telling them we had a great dinner and a lovely day, but unfortunately I had been struck down with laryngitis and couldn’t come to the phone to wish them a happy Christmas, but of course I sent them my love!! What’s that all about? Why do we have to put an act and pretend?  Is it so wrong to admit the truth?

So once again, I am grateful for this blog – for not having to pretend, for a place where I don’t have to put on an act – a place where I can say that today, I am still heart-sore and heart-broken and no, we didn’t have a merry little Christmas, and things are not right in our world at the moment and that’s just the way it is.


11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Petra
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 14:18:30

    Ah yes the old keeping up appearances especially with family – isn’t that just a strain we could all do without!


  2. ashling33
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 14:20:15

    I don’t have a blog, but I can really see how helpful it can be to be able to write down your thoughts and feelings like this and then to have people respond. I think it is probably a very good idea to keep going with your blog. It has helped me today to know that I am not alone in dealing with the pain following a miscarriage at this time of year, although mine occured last month, I am still hurting.


  3. sabrina
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 14:21:54

    If it’s any consolation, I see a glimmer of hope for you..underneath all that, I can see there is still a spark of life in you..you haven’t lost your sense of humor. Despite the sadn content, I still smiled at your husband eating his way through the selection box meant for your neighbors 🙂


  4. walsh_myers
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 14:22:57

    Yes, I too know all about that strain of putting on an act for others – I have been doing it for the past 5 years, as we have tried unsuccessfully to have our own child. I am getting very tired of the act too.


  5. belina
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 17:43:19

    I have long ago given up keeping up appearances in my struggle with infertility – this is me, this is my pain – like it or not!


  6. womb for improvement
    Dec 26, 2009 @ 21:35:06

    I am so so sorry to read this. You are in my thoughts.


  7. Lorna
    Dec 28, 2009 @ 13:59:36

    Well, I give Billy full marks for inventiveness :). We pull on these masks partly I think because we suspect (or have found out in the past) that sometimes our families don’t understand – think it was just a fertilised egg, that we should be over it in a fortnight … etc etc. Plus when you are in such despair, it’s hard to tell anyone about it face to face, voice to voice, writing it seems easier.
    I know Brian spoke to very few about our miscarriages, partly cos men don’t and partly cos he didn’t have the same emotional tie about it all and partly cos he felt he would have been betraying my privacy in a strange way.

    So much about life is a charade. How many people have family to stay over Christmas that they would much prefer to not see, how many magazine articles provide advice on how to cope with family over the festive period – in truth, if they weren’t family, would we actually spend time with them at all!! We put our foot down this year and had a quiet and blissful xmas just the 4 of us and I’m so glad you and Billy decided to spend the day together ,as bad as it was, it would have been so much worse if you had been at someone else’s house or had visitors to yours.
    With the new year, brings new optimism. 2009 has been a tough year for you and I hope you are filled with dreams and hopes for 2010,
    Love Lorna


    • JBBC
      Dec 30, 2009 @ 13:13:13

      Thank you Lorna – as always you hit the nail on the head with everything you say – your comments are always so full of wisdom and support and i am very grateful for all that you say x


  8. K
    Dec 30, 2009 @ 00:17:11

    I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that you have to pretend in your real life. Im glad you have this space and I hope we can help you in whatever way we can to help you as you struggle through this horrible devestating loss.



    • JBBC
      Dec 30, 2009 @ 13:14:26

      Thank you and thank for your LFCA which I have only just discovered through your kindess. It is an enormous help to me! I am so grateful for all this support.


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