Hidden grief

What is it with grief? It lies waiting to pounce in the most unexpected places. There I was last weekend at a motivational seminar feeling better than I felt in a long time…and up it came to the surface, leaving me totally undone.

Let me back up a bit here…. I’ve been feeling really unwell for the past week or so, very nauseous and feeling like I’ve been run over by a bus. Last Thursday night, I spent all night throwing up, and the next morning didn’t feel well enough to go into work. At the back of my mind of course, I keep hoping…well you know..the old two-week wait, but to be honest I’m not holding out much hope. 

Anyway back to Friday… I had free tickets for this seminar and I was due to meet a blogger friend there for the first time, but I was feeling like crap. I did some emails and some work from home in the morning and then slept until after lunch. When I woke up, I felt a bit better and decided to force myself to dress up and go to the seminar. It was like an amazing transformation. The energy at the conference was fantastic and I felt myself getting caught up in the buzz. By the end of the evening I was feeling great.

This feeling lasted all weekend and the event culminated on the Sunday night with a visualisation exercise. We were asked to visualise the thing we most wanted in the world (no prizes for guessing what I dreamed of) and the few hundred or so attendees stood with lights off, being led in a powerful visualisation exercise. As the presenter’s voice asked us to touch and feel and hold our dream, I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I could feel it and touch and hold it and smell it alright;  it was so real. But what I realised I was holding was the baby I lost – I could touch its tiny body, see the little chest rising and falling, the little fingers curled in a ball..every little detail came to me. And I realised I am still grieving this loss deeply and the pain just isn’t going away. Sometimes, grief lies hidden, ready to surface in the most unexpected places….


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jane
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 19:16:41

    Nothing I say can make it any better. But sending you lots of ((((cyber hugs))))


  2. Michele
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 05:35:37

    Yes it does… It always lurks just beyond the horizon, just below the surface…


  3. suzanne_45
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 08:40:37

    oh honey…you are obviously still grieving very deeply – have you gone for any form of grief counselling? I think perhaps you should consider it.


  4. Gabriella
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 08:41:40

    You are grieving a loss – never underestimate the power of your feelings, although you might feel they are safely buried under the surface.


  5. denise
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 08:42:55

    the power of the mind is quite amazing but perhaps it is a good thing that you are able to let out your grief in this way. I am wondering if you feel any better this week after this event?


  6. angie
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 08:43:37

    *hugs* to you babes x


  7. Martine Brennan
    Apr 27, 2011 @ 12:12:34

    I feel your pain…hugs x


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