Still here in fertility limbo

Yes, I’m still here..caught in fertility limbo ..watching yet another co-worker head off on maternity leave; a week after I sent out the obligatory congratulatory notice in the staff newsletter to a co-worker who has just given birth. In fertility limbo, you watch from the sidelines, as others pass you out – getting pregnant, having babies… Sometimes in fertility limbo  you get a false start, the starter gun goes off and suddenly, joyfully, you are in the race too. But you are tripped up by nature and you go right back to waiting on the side-lines.

That is how I am feeling today…as another month passes on the side-line. I am stuck in limbo, waiting for our appointment at the fertility clinic, hoping and praying (well strictly speaking, not actually praying anymore-I seem to have run out of those) that each month another miracle could happen, and that blue line would appear again for us.

To the outside world, I am moving on with things. I make plans, I laugh, I smile, I act “normal”….but inside I am stuck. Inside I am not moving on. Inside I have such an ache, such a longing that, well quite frankly, it scares me with its intensity. I try to be rational, I try not to get obsessed, but where does it come from, this longing, this ache? It feels so primeval, what Irish journalist and author, Martina Devlin calls a “baby hunger”. Nothing can satisfy this hunger, although you try hard to satisfy the craving with other things in your life.

Looking back on her “baby hunger years”, Devlin, who spent two  fruitless years undergoing fertility treatment, believes she was “caught tight in the grip of a biological imperative over which (she) had no control.”

She calls it a ” savage time when a torrent of emotions possessed me: pain, incomprehension, rage and, above all, heartache – the wrenching bereavement of childlessness.”

She articulates the pain of infertility so well. Although it is no comfort to know that I am not alone in suffering such heart-ache, it is reassuring to know that I am not completely crazy. I feel very much that I too am caught tight in the grip of that biological imperative and right now it is stronger than anything my rational mind can tell me.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lornagfli
    Feb 28, 2010 @ 18:57:54

    Gosh, Marie, i so get that ‘baby hunger’ – exactly where I was this time last year. I wish I could say something that could make you feel better. But you are acting positively – going for acupuncture, the hypnotherapist etc. You have to keep believing it will happen.


  2. Lily
    Mar 01, 2010 @ 22:30:15

    Marie, thinking of you. Hoping for you.


  3. margaret dawn
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 15:09:21

    Such an evocative word “baby hunger” – so apt for many of us.


  4. Erica
    Mar 02, 2010 @ 15:25:42

    strong words ” a savage time when a torrent of emotions possessed me” but I understand that terrible savage feeling as if you are indeed possessed by something you cannot control.


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