Secret anniversary of the heart

I can’t believe a whole year has passed. Has it really been a whole twelve months, a whole 365 days since I lost my tiny miracle? I’ve been reading over my blog entries for this day and the succeeding days from last year and I can feel my heart-break all over again. I feel my despair, my shock, my longing for things to be different and it feels as real as it did a year ago.

My husband has no patience with this. I said it’s the first anniversary of the miscarriage and he said, why would you dwell on that? How can you mark an anniversary of something sad? It’s in the past. We need to move on. He doesn’t mean to be so lacking in understanding and empathy – it’s just in his mind, a whole year has passed in which other things have happened and he has moved on, so why can’t I?

Yes, why can’t I? Perhaps, because in the past year, we have tried and failed to get pregnant, except at Christmas-time when we faced another miscarriage. In the past year, I have been riding the rollercoaster of hope and despair. I have celebrated another birthday, become a year older, watched the due day of the baby come and go in January and in my heart marked the milestones that would have been.  

No one else will remember that today is a significant anniversary for me.. a secret anniversary of the heart, but I will always think of it as such. So while in my head, I can see the wisdom of what my husband is saying, my heart you see tells a different story…


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lorna
    Jun 01, 2010 @ 20:37:35

    Men are from Mars, Women from Venus ….. I so get where you are coming from and Brian is exactly the same as your husband. You will always remember this anniversary and all the others, I think the same goes for many women. I wish I could say something to take away the pain



  2. Luann
    Jun 04, 2010 @ 22:59:02

    Oh Marie, I am so sorry! I think men generally want to fix things for us so when your hubby can’t “fix it” I am sure he feels sad watching you be sad. Let me tell you Marie, I am not giving up praying for this! I know we talked about Acupuncture, and how things got worse, but let me ask you did they have to get worse before they will get better? I have just read so many positive things about this. Double big hug today Marie. I am remembering with you!


  3. JBBC
    Jun 06, 2010 @ 09:32:48

    Lorna and Luann… you are my angels! Thank you for your kindness towards means more to me than you will ever know xxxx


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