What’s been happening…

Well, I have held back on writing this post but now today I feel that I want to record what is happening…for myself and also for those who are on the same path as me. Last Tuesday, 18 days after the IUI, I did the HPT and to my utter surprise it was positive. It is hard to believe that our very first IUI worked. I did it at 5 am in the morning, and I allowed myself a few hours of happiness and excitement until I got up. Since then, I haven’t allowed myself any of that earlier happiness or excitement and to be honest, I am distancing myself as much as possible from this pregnancy, which is why I was reluctant to post on it.  I guess it is a way of protecting myself should this pregnancy end in a miscarriage..although to be honest, I suspect I am not really going to be able to protect my heart from breaking again.

Instead of working out the due date, as normal expectant mothers would do, I’ve worked out the possible dates of the stage that I lost my other babies. I am already anxious and fearful at the thoughts of the approaching 8-10 week stage, and I feel so guilty about the anxiety and detachment, also knowing that is hardly sending the right signals to the baby developing inside me now.  And as one of my friends said to me last week, it is happening right now..right now I am pregnant…but it is so hard to trust the truth of that, when the fear of another miscarriage looms over my head like a big dark cloud blocking out any happiness at this momentous turn of events.

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Frances O'Connor
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 14:26:21

    Oh honey..I can fully understand your fears, but your friend is right..just live for today and today you are pregnant..yay!!!

    Reply

  2. Deirdre Burke
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 14:31:08

    I think that as you reach each milestone, such as hearing your baby’s heartbeat or feeling your baby move, you’ll be reassured that things are going well. Best of luck x

    Reply

  3. Rosemary Collins
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 14:31:47

    Your friend is right. Living in the present is easier said than done, but it really works. When you feel yourself worrying about the future, stop and think only about today.

    Reply

  4. womb for improvement
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 18:43:42

    A very cautious congratulations. I can’t imagine how scary this is for you and I hope as the weeks pass you’ll get more confident and you’ll still have plenty of time to bond. 9 months is a long time!

    Reply

  5. JBBC
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 19:20:32

    Thank you all for your kind words – where would I be without you!

    Reply

  6. Marian
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 19:55:25

    My fingers and toes are very tightly crossed that everything will go well for you.

    Reply

  7. Jane
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 11:09:09

    Congrats hon. I know I said live in the today, but it is much easier said than done. And I totally understand your sense of detachment. I was like that on my last pregnancy. It’s only natural when you have had a few losses. Give me a shout when you are next down in Clare and we can meet for a caffeine free coffee 🙂 Hugs to you xx

    Reply

  8. Luann
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 23:00:01

    Oh Marie, I am rejoicing with you. I can certainly understand the hesitation to post and yet it is time! For every season there is a time and a purpose under heaven! And yes you are indeed pregnant and it is ok to say it!

    I wouldn’t be concerned about your normal feelings of detatchment. As the pregnancy gains some time I am sure it will be replaced with the desires of your fragile heart. This helps me to know how better to pray for you and your baby! Nothing is impossible with God! A big long distance NC hug!

    Reply

  9. JBBC
    Jul 13, 2010 @ 08:29:13

    Oh Luann xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  10. debbie
    Jul 14, 2010 @ 18:30:33

    Marie, I am so happy for you and I have very positive feelings about this. I have since I read your post about the doctor’s visit to get the IUI. I understand your fear from a different perspective. I never believe that my scans are really clear, I;m sure they must have missed something, and it is hard to celebrate. But each day I have to believe for the best, put my faith in God and live my life. I also keep asking God for his favor in big ways, Joel says God likes to answer bold prayers, so I make bold requests for me, my family and for you too:) I will keep on doing that.
    Much love to you my anam cara,
    Debbie

    Reply

  11. Steph
    Jul 14, 2010 @ 22:39:43

    Marie,

    That’s lovely news. Congratulations!

    Your fear and trepidation at this stage of the pregnancy, is totally understandable. It’s a very normal reaction in someone who has experienced pregnancy loss. I’ve heard this many times over at miscarriage support group meetings and my own obstetrician assured me that he expects all women who’ve previously miscarried, to be anxious until the pregnancy reaches the viable stage.

    Miscarriage shatters all hopes and expectations so to protect ourselves, we refuse to relax until past the danger zone. Don’t worry about feeling anxious and the effect it might have on your baby. Think of all the stories you’ve heard over the years of babies who have arrived into this world against all the odds. If they can survive, then your baby already has a distinct advantage in this regard.

    Yep, miracles really do happen!

    I’m rooting for you.

    Reply

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