This hurts so much

This may seem strange to be seen to be writing this so close to the devastation of today, but blogging my way through this grief is the only thing keeping me sane. That and the fact that I am in total shock and when I go into shock I do strange things, plus the fact that the minute I stop writing or doing something, anything, I am afraid I will fall to pieces. 

We went for our second scan today and we were so excited about seeing how much our baby has grown in the past two weeks. We were totally unprepared for the sonographer when she said I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat. We both thought she was joking as we started at the monitor and could clearly make out the shape of our precious angel. I will never forget the shock of hearing those words and how long it took both our brains to catch up with the meaning of them. She left the room straight away and we still thought this was some kind of sick joke because we could quite plainly see our baby on the monitor. Our minds just wouldn’t accept the truth of it. And then the midwife/counsellor came back and said how sorry she was and we knew it was true then – we’ve lost our darling baby.

And the hardest part is I still feel pregnant – I still feel connected to this baby and it’s still inside me and I have to wait now for it to pass through me. They gave me the option of allowing that to happen naturally which could take up to 6 weeks they said, or helping it along with a drug to bring on contractions and then a D&C. So I am doing the second – there is no way I could wait that long a time to miscarry. And yet, there’s another huge part of me wants to hold onto this baby for as long as I possibly can because I might never have this again. I wish I could hold it, touch it, say sorry, tell it how much we loved and wanted it. It hurts so much.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. womb for improvement
    Aug 11, 2010 @ 19:30:06

    I am so, so sorry.

    Reply

  2. Saartjie
    Aug 11, 2010 @ 19:39:55

    Really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had 2 myself…

    Reply

  3. Martin
    Aug 11, 2010 @ 20:22:53

    I’m genuinely sorry. I can’t imagine the devastation.

    Take care.

    Reply

  4. Marian
    Aug 11, 2010 @ 20:25:10

    I cannot imagine how much you and your husband are hurting. My heart aches for you so I cannot get my head around how you must be feeling. My very best wishes to you both, I sincerely hope you get what you wish for. May this miracle RIP and I hope another one comes along soon.

    Reply

  5. Lorna
    Aug 11, 2010 @ 21:29:10

    Oh, Marie, I’m crying here as I’m reading this, I can remember how it feels and am so so sorry this has happened. Thinking of you xxx

    Reply

  6. waj306
    Aug 12, 2010 @ 00:58:29

    I am so so sorry. 😦

    Reply

  7. Trackback: On the road again… « Diary of a Miracle

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