One week on…

I can’t believe a whole week has come and gone. I woke early this morning remembering back to this day last week. The sun was shining, I had a lovely morning in Ennis, followed by lunch with a friend, all played out to the anticipated excitement of the scan in the afternoon.

And yet the baby’s fate had already been sealed, no heartbeat, no baby anymore. There I was going about my day in ignorance of the coming events. How could I not have known? I remember being struck with a similar feeling when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004. How could I not have known? How could I walk around not knowing that a tumour was growing inside my breast, getting ready to blow my life apart. These are the thoughts that are going round and round in my head. I wish I could shut off the “thinking mind” and stop these thoughts. There’s a riot going on in there and it’s giving me a headache.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Denis
    Aug 18, 2010 @ 11:27:34

    Understanding another person’s grief is a huge mystery. Grief is a whisper in the world and a clamor within. Grief is unspoken, publicly ignored except for those of us who recognize in one another a kindred chasm deep in the center of who we are. The death of a child is the most profound emotional experience one will ever endure. Coping with the deep and prolonged grief that follows will be the most painful challenge of one’s life.

    My heart breaks for you, Marie. Having lost a child myself, I make no attempt to understand or even help. I can only share grief and nothing more. Those of us who have lost children experience the ferocity of what it means to love.

    Reply

  2. Carlos
    Aug 18, 2010 @ 12:51:06

    OMG….I am absolutely speechless. Not sure what to say other that I am here for you if you ever need one or two good ears to listen to you. Promise to wear my hearing aid…hahahaha….but I am here for you. The BIGGEST HUG ever coming from across the “Pond” coming your way.

    Reply

  3. Denyse
    Aug 18, 2010 @ 16:03:12

    Just take one day a time xxx

    Reply

  4. Steph
    Aug 18, 2010 @ 18:30:27

    Marie,

    Life is a bitch at times, no doubt about it.

    It throws ‘stuff’ at us when we least expect it and when we pick ourselves up again, sometimes it knocks us down again.

    Don’t blame yourself for not knowing. Instead, be proud of yourself for how well you’re coping no matter what life throws at you.

    Love n’ hugs coming your way.

    Reply

  5. lors
    Aug 18, 2010 @ 20:44:54

    Marie, you weren’t to know! Hope you’re doing ok….

    Lxx

    Reply

  6. Patricia
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 10:34:11

    I agree with the previous two comments – stop blaming yourself pet x

    Reply

  7. Luann
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 23:40:56

    Hi Marie, just want you to know that you are on my mind every day. I wish I could say something that would help take the hurt away sweetie. Praying that you feel the healing hand of God. Hugs today

    Reply

  8. Lorna
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 19:42:23

    I remember feeling the same thing, why didn’t I suspect but in truth I think I did, I just kept trying to be positive. We have to hope for the best and the best is a live, healthy baby.
    I agree with the others, take it one day at a time my dear.

    Reply

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