Welcome to sadville. Population:me

So, yesterday, the sun came out and I decided to get out of the house for some fresh air. I had also received some very sad news about a friend and colleague who died that morning. It was a huge shock, for although she had been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer in May, we never expected it to take her so quickly. The end came so suddenly. I had been speaking with her the previous week and she was in great form and full of plans for the future. I felt yesterday like death was all around me and I needed to get out and see some life.

I wandered downtown, intending to have a coffee in the sunshine, and watch the world go by. Now, I happen to live in a beautiful part of the Irish countryside in a tourist town, and the sun had brought everyone out with a similar idea to mine. I should have counted on the fact that around every bend, I would be faced with families with an assortment of babies, toddlers and young children, with a smattering of pregnant bumps in between. Why does that hurt so much? My husband, when I cried to him later that evening, got angry and frustrated and said that unless you stay indoors and never go out again, you can’t avoid this. And he’s right of course. And he’s also right when he says the world isn’t designed to torture you with images of “happy” families, and that all of these families have their own pains and unhappiness to deal with too. My head knows that he is right, but my heart doesn’t. Each time I see a baby being held in the arms of its mother, my heart aches over what I’ve lost and may never have again. The thing is when you lose a baby you lose part of your future, and you grieve that lost future, those lost dreams, and seeing those families living out the future you had dreamed for you and your baby cuts deep.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fiona Byrne
    Aug 21, 2010 @ 09:32:57

    Sounds perfectly normal to me! You are grieving the loss of your dreams and your future with your longed for baby. Reminders will be painful.

    Reply

  2. Adele Murray
    Aug 21, 2010 @ 09:34:36

    I understand your pain. When I lost my baby earlier this year at 14 weeks, I couldn’t bear to be around any reminders. Luckily – well not luckily of course, but it was slightly easier as it was back in January so less happy families out and about. Still, I have found this summer difficult too, with reminders of what I’ve lost all around me.

    Reply

  3. Gabby
    Aug 21, 2010 @ 09:39:10

    Oh you poor pet. I can really identify with this too. Be kind and patient with yourself.

    Reply

  4. Carlos
    Aug 22, 2010 @ 12:39:57

    My deer friend, the grief you are experiencing is actually a natural part of the healing process. You have to allow yourself to go thru the grieving process so that you can find “Acceptance” of the moment without anger, sadness, and mourning. Give yourself permission to “feel” whatever you want to “feel”. It is okay to feel sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt. I believe that denying these feelings, and failing to work through what you are feeling would be much harder on your body and mind to eventually find peace. You know that you have a GREAT close circle of family, friends and “strangers” (like me…hhahahaha!!) that will be with you every step of the way. I would recommend to eat a balance diet, drink enough fluids, get exercise and rest. “We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey ahead” – Kenji Miyazawa.

    Reply

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