About a boy

This is a story about a boy…

You know that scene on TV or at the movies, when the nurse holds a new-born baby aloft and announces “It’s a boy” to smiles and delight all round? Well that moment flashed through my mind yesterday, as I sat in the consulting room of the miscarriage clinic, listening to the doctor discuss the pathology report from my last miscarriage.

“The report shows nothing abnormal, a male…” I didn’t hear what he said next, as my mind wandered off, thinking “it was a boy”. And in that instant scenes flashed through my mind of the future we might have had with our baby boy. I remembered the words of Fiona McPhilips (author of Trying To Conceive: The Irish Couple’s Guide) “When you lose a child, you lose your future. It doesn’t matter how long your baby has been with you, you feel the gap that their death has left behind. From the moment you know about your baby, you plan their future — your future, together. You work out the due date, pick names, imagine who they will look like.” That is exactly what happened when I heard it was a boy – it felt like I could see, touch and smell this little boy in my heart and in my imagination, and I was overwhelmed with such a feeling of grief and loss again.

So this is a story about a boy, our little boy who we never got to hold and will never get to know and yet he will live on in my heart forever, that I do know.

Advertisements

16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lorna
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 22:17:51

    Oh, Marie, I know. *hugs*

    Lorna xxxx

    Reply

  2. JBBC
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 22:20:05

    Thank you and for the chat today xxx

    Reply

  3. onetokeep
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 23:17:40

    Im so sorry, there is nothing more painful than the potential that never was. You are in my thoughts.

    Reply

  4. Michele
    Oct 22, 2010 @ 02:55:26

    Hugs…

    Reply

  5. Martine Brennan
    Oct 22, 2010 @ 10:06:33

    So sad for you, may your grief find you surrounded by loving arms, understanding ears and tactful tongues. x

    Reply

  6. Chari
    Oct 22, 2010 @ 10:59:49

    Sending you a big hug. Hopefully, you’ll be getting one in the flesh in a couple of weeks. Remember to save the date for us xxx

    Reply

  7. Darcy
    Oct 22, 2010 @ 11:17:22

    I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I think it’s very brave of you to share such a personal and touching experience.

    Reply

  8. Lily
    Oct 22, 2010 @ 12:56:32

    Marie, So sorry … thinking of you lots. xxx

    Reply

  9. Steph
    Oct 23, 2010 @ 09:07:58

    Marie

    I know EXACTLY what you’re saying.

    Finding out the sex of your baby should be a joyful moment but following a miscarriage, it’s like a double blow as it really brings home the enormity of your loss.

    Knowing the sex of your baby does indeed make the grief more tangible but this knowledge can be used to your advantage. It not only helps to provide a structure to your grief, it helps you to imagine what might have been.

    Even though I’ve been lucky enough to have two wonderful kids, I still to this day think about those that I lost and in particular, the “son” that I never got to know.

    (((big hugs)))

    Reply

    • JBBC
      Oct 24, 2010 @ 09:03:37

      Thank you so much Steph for taking the time to leave this comment. I appreciate your support so much xxx

      Reply

  10. Freya
    Oct 25, 2010 @ 08:52:11

    Ohh Marie, very big hugs to you:((
    I KNOW this feeling very well!!It is maybe ok to know the sex of your baby, now you can imagine him more concretely as I do all the time for my son..
    After giving a birth, I wanted to know everything about him, even his blood group…All these details that I know about him make me closer to him :(((
    We will meet our sons one day and then we will enjoy being mother in eternity..Big big hugs…

    Reply

  11. iamstacey
    Nov 06, 2010 @ 11:10:33

    I’m so sorry for you – and for your little boy you never got to meet.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: