But I did know him…

Last night I watched the new RTE drama, Love/Hate, which has been praised for its superb acting and gritty reality. In the opening scenes of this latest episode, actress Ruth Negga, is trying to explain her feelings after her miscarriage, and I sat mesmerised as I watched her search for the words to explain her grief and despair. The words she came out with were the very words I had been saying to my husband earlier that day. I was trying to explain to him why I’ve spent most of this weekend in tears because of the fresh wave of grief that has hit me, since finding out the sex of my baby. Whoever wrote this part of the script for Negga’s character, Rosie, must surely have had experience of something similar, because the words are the nearest thing to my own pain I have heard anyone speak.

“People think, you know that just because the baby wasn’t born yet, it’s like it doesn’t matter, and I know they don’t mean to, but they say the most horrible things.  Like my sister, I know she means well, but she says, I know how you feel, but it would be worse if the baby was born and then she died. At least I didn’t get to know her. But I did know her. I knew her and I didn’t get to see her. I knew who she was. She had her own little soul and she wasn’t even allowed to breathe..and when I woke up I knew she was gone.”


10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. michelehaytko
    Oct 26, 2010 @ 02:00:00

    How heartbreakingly beautiful… and so true. So very true.


  2. JBBC
    Oct 26, 2010 @ 07:57:34

    Thank you Michele x


  3. Emma
    Oct 26, 2010 @ 09:44:34

    I saw it too and I was in floods of tears. Ruth Negga did a very convincing job delivering those lines.


  4. Anne
    Oct 26, 2010 @ 09:45:03

    Yes! This is exactly what it is like!


  5. Steph
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 23:07:34


    As I’m sure you realise…

    The best thing to say to someone who’s miscarried, is nothing at all because nothing you say will be able to ease the grief.

    An understanding hug is much safer and far more therapeutic.

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through another wave of grief. I remember feeling very confused and at times, a little embarrassed by the depth of my grief following miscarriage as society tends to belittle the loss experienced. Only those who have been through it themselves, truly understand the nature of the grief involved.

    Your husband is probably grieving too but in a different way to you so he may be unable to comprehend your grief. Give him a hug and reassure him that you’re okay as he’s probably quite worried about you. It can be very hard to support one another when you’re both grieving and misunderstandings can occur.

    It’s the little things that really count at a time like this.

    Steph x


    • JBBC
      Oct 30, 2010 @ 10:45:55

      Thank you Steph for your perceptive and compasionate advice..as always. It truly does help me! Not to mention that virtual hug x


  6. Lorna
    Oct 30, 2010 @ 18:46:01

    I didn’t see the programme but yep, those words describe it perfectly. I was never sure whether it would hurt more or less to know your baby, no matter for how short a time. I remember a nurse saying to me that she lost her second baby thru a cot death so she kind of understood how I felt and I gasped and said, no, that must be worse but she disagreed with me, said that she had memories of her baby, gave her a name and a funeral, had closure and people understood her grief whereas when you don’t have the memories or an identity, it is not just the loss of the your baby but the loss of the identity too.
    Oh, Marie, my heart goes out to you. To know that he was a little boy is truly hard and while it maybe should be comforting to have more of an identity for your baby, it somehow makes your loss more tragic.
    Here’s hoping for a fertile, pregnant, huge bump and babyful 2011.


  7. Lorna
    Oct 30, 2010 @ 18:48:05

    And by the way, my husband, while sad and usually very sensitive etc, didn’t see the miscarriage as the loss of a baby but the loss of a foetus – I’m not saying all men are the same but they seem to see it in a much more logical, practical sense. For a long time, he couldn’t understand why my grief went on for so long and for you, it hasn’t been long at all so do give yourself some time my dear.
    Lorna x


  8. nancy
    Nov 04, 2010 @ 22:31:03

    Marie, I didn’t know you had this other blog. This really tugs at my heart. I am so sorry for your grief. I have not had a miscarriage. I did experince a dear friend’s delivery of a full-term stillborn baby girl years ago and it was one of the hardest things to endure even as just her friend. I will never forget her pain. I understand a tiny bit. Your loss is very recent, so your grief is still very raw. Take the time you need to heal. You won’t ever forget, but you will heal in time.


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