The empty window

I cried all day today. Four days late with my period. Convinced myself I had those pregnancy symptoms from before – headache, fatigue, slight cramping – and besides my period was four days late – and I have become regular as clockwork every 28 days, so surely that was a very good sign.  It took the greatest strength of will not to test before now. I had to force myself not to go to the pharmacy and buy a home pregnancy testing kit. But then, today I gave in. I reasoned I needed to know as soon as possible in case I needed to start on those heparin injections or make an appointment at the early pregnancy clinic. Well, those of you on the fertility journey know how it is – you pee, you test, you wait, you hope, you pray, you plead, you dream – a world of possibilities in that 3 minute wait – willing that small pink line to appear in the window – just a small pink line that’s all you need to make your dreams come true. And instead, an empty window – the saddest, most lonely, most achingly empty window you will ever see. And so I cried today for another dream died, and my heart is heavy and I feel as empty inside as the blank window on the home pregnancy test now lying at the bottom of the wastebasket.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Luann
    Apr 12, 2010 @ 22:04:39

    Oh Marie I am so sorry to hear about your news! I can tell you that we are not going to give up! You have met one friend who believes in the power of prayer and I am joining you on this journey in prayer. Our God is big and he does care about every thing that goes on in our life. You are not alone! Big big hugs today!

    Reply

  2. JBBC
    Apr 12, 2010 @ 22:28:41

    Luann, thank you so much. You’ve been a real tower of strength to me these past few weeks – I am so grateful to you xxx

    Reply

  3. Jane
    Apr 13, 2010 @ 19:43:16

    I had the usual post holiday hoping peeing and testing last week. It took 3 negative tests to convince me that I really was not pregnant, like you a few days late. Finally AF arrived on Easter Sunday. Bleurghh.

    It’s so hard sometimes, isn’t it?

    Give me a shout when you’re down Shannonside. How about lunch in Flanagans? A table with a river view? 🙂

    Reply

  4. Angie Lomax
    Apr 14, 2010 @ 07:47:40

    The emptiest window in the world – what an apt description..I hear you 😦

    Reply

  5. Alex
    Apr 15, 2010 @ 08:11:16

    *hugs*

    Reply

  6. Daria
    Apr 15, 2010 @ 15:47:11

    oh honey…this is tough..but keep on believing…

    Reply

  7. Lorna
    Apr 15, 2010 @ 19:59:04

    Oh, Marie, I thought you were being quiet this week alright. I am really sorry to hear that, especially when your cycle is usually so regular, you must have been so hopeful. Hugs

    Reply

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