The empty window

I cried all day today. Four days late with my period. Convinced myself I had those pregnancy symptoms from before – headache, fatigue, slight cramping – and besides my period was four days late – and I have become regular as clockwork every 28 days, so surely that was a very good sign.  It took the greatest strength of will not to test before now. I had to force myself not to go to the pharmacy and buy a home pregnancy testing kit. But then, today I gave in. I reasoned I needed to know as soon as possible in case I needed to start on those heparin injections or make an appointment at the early pregnancy clinic. Well, those of you on the fertility journey know how it is – you pee, you test, you wait, you hope, you pray, you plead, you dream – a world of possibilities in that 3 minute wait – willing that small pink line to appear in the window – just a small pink line that’s all you need to make your dreams come true. And instead, an empty window – the saddest, most lonely, most achingly empty window you will ever see. And so I cried today for another dream died, and my heart is heavy and I feel as empty inside as the blank window on the home pregnancy test now lying at the bottom of the wastebasket.