Don’t forget to remember

If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died ~ you’re not reminding them … they didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.

~ Elizabeth Edwards

TV3 show wants to help you conceive

TV3 Health Series ‘How Healthy Are You?’ presented by nutritional therapist Elsa Jones is back and looking for participants to take part in a brand new series.

Last season Elsa and her team of experts tackled a number of common health concerns such as anxiety, weight, kids nutrition, hair loss, migraines and emotional eating.

This year they will continue to tackle a variety of common health issues. However, this time round, each participant will be introduced to a team of highly qualified experts.

This will provide an invaluable opportunity for participants to receive expert advice specific to their health concern and at no cost to themselves. 

Theywant to hear from people with all sorts of health issues but areas of specific interest to us are: helping you conceive, fertility issues, depression/anxiety, chronic pain, addictions, weight, kids behavioural issues, ageing, food allergies/intolerances, menopause.

So, if you or your family have a particular health concern that you need help with and you are happy to share your story on television, ‘How Healthy Are You?’ wants to hear from you!

Thanks to Accomplish Change Clinic for this information.

The black dog that keeps on biting me

Churchill called his bouts of depression, the black dog . I think of it like a heavy oppressive cloud which descends and blocks out all the light. Everything turns dark and meaningless. Whichever metaphor you use to describe it, depression seems to dog my footsteps each month that I try and fail to get pregnant.

This past month, the cloud that descended hasn’t lifted. It was the month that my baby boy was due and as the date came and went, the cloud seemed to settle itself more permanently around me. This was also the month that I made the decision not to continue with fertility treatment. After the last failed attempt, I found that I couldn’t face another month of injections, scans, procedures, waiting, hoping, and then, nothing.

I’ve had it said to me that you will know when you are ready to make the decision to stop treatment. I’ve had two years of TTC and three miscarriages in that time and I thought perhaps this decision might bring with it some acceptance, an end to the turmoil each month. Instead I am left with an aching emptiness and overwhelming grief and sadness. I don’t feel any certainty either that I have made the right decision. But I do know that I can’t keep riding this rollercoaster of emotions each month, so it is time to step off the ride.

My husband doesn’t agree with any of this. He thinks I am making a mistake and that I will regret my decision. We can’t seem to talk about it anymore without it ending in an argument and tears, so we’ve stopped talking about it.  

I feel like such a  failure – a failure for the months I haven’t been able to conceive, a failure for not being able to carry my babies full-term, and now a failure for giving up on my fertility treatment.

Miscarriage and Depression

A miscarriage can cause depression and anxiety that continues even after the birth of a healthy baby, research has shown.

Women who have lost a baby are significantly more at risk of mental distress during a subsequent pregnancy, a study found.

The symptoms carried on for nearly three years, on average, after they successfully gave birth.

Professor Jean Golding, from the University of Bristol, one of the researchers whose findings are reported in the British Journal of Psychiatry, said: “This study is important to the families of women who have lost a baby, since it is so often assumed that they get over the event quickly, yet as shown here, many do not. This has implications for the medical profession as well as the woman and her family.”

British and American scientists questioned more than 13,000 pregnant women enrolled into the Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children (Alspac).

They were asked about their previous experience of miscarriage and stillbirth, and assessed for symptoms of depression and anxiety. The assessments took place twice during pregnancy and four times after giving birth.

In total, 21pc of the women reported having had one or more previous miscarriages. Only 0.5pc had experienced a previous stillbirth and just three women had suffered two stillbirths.

Dr Emma Robertson Blackmore, from the University of Rochester Medical Centre in the US, said: “Our study clearly shows that the birth of a healthy baby does not resolve the mental health problems that many women experience after a miscarriage or stillbirth. This finding is important because, when assessing if a woman is at risk of antenatal or postnatal depression, previous pregnancy loss is usually not taken into account in the same way as other risk factors such as a family history of depression, stressful life events or a lack of social support.”

“We know that maternal depression can have adverse impacts on children and families. If we offer targeted support during pregnancy to women who have previously lost a baby, we may be able to improve health outcomes for both the women and their children.”

Louise Silverton, deputy general secretary of the Royal College of Midwives, said: “This is a welcome report that makes an important contribution to our knowledge in this area. It underlines the need for midwives to be able to spend time with women to discuss their pregnancy and their worries and fears. This is so that they can spot signs of depression when it is happening, offer timely advice and give these women the best possible care.

“I worry that the because of the significant time pressures on midwives and the fact that we do not have enough of them, this may mean that women suffering from perinatal depression will not get the help they need.

Press Association

Could endless IVF cycles be a thing of the past?

A pioneering new chromosome counting technique could put paid to endless IVF cycles.

Microarray CGH (comparative genomic hybridisation) is used to check for any significant abnormalities present in the chromosomes of the embryo before implantation in IVF treatment.

A small number of cells are removed from the growing embryo five days after fertilisation and the DNA in them is scanned for any clear problems.

The results are available within 24 hours, which allows the maximum information to be obtained from the embryo before it is used.

Armed with this knowledge, doctors can then ensure that only embryos with the correct number of chromosomes are transferred in IVF, thereby improving the chances of a successful pregnancy and reducing the likelihood of miscarriage or Down’s syndrome.

Read more on this story here

Meet Martine

Martine Brennan

Today I want to introduce you to a very special person.

Martine Brennan is a qualified Counsellor and Psychotherapist (Metanoia Psychotherapy Training Institute, Ealing, London, UK ’91 and ’93) She is a London born Irish woman with a background in Community work. Martine is the proud mother of three daughters. Hannah, her middle daughter, was born still, April 1st 2004. Martine now runs an online coaching programme for parents who are seeking to rebuild their lives following the death of a beloved baby through miscarriage or stillbirth.

Martine has been there for me over the past few months while trying to come to terms with losing my own baby boy last August. She is a truly compassionate, wise and warm woman, and I count myself very blessed to have met her. Martine has recently written an e-book, After Your Baby Dies.

Today I interview Martine about her work and why she wrote her book.

Martine, tell us a little about the work that you do

“Though my life, as I knew it, ended when Hannah died, I have found a way to live with her absence and experience joy again. I have rebuilt my life. I want to share this knowledge with other parents. There are so many of us..too many who struggle alone. I believe the first step for most of us is to come out of the isolation we all experienced, especially in the beginning. Then we need to be met with compassion and understanding. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. So the focus of my work is to meet bereaved parents with sincere compassion and a real understanding of the pain, the anger, the despair and the loneliness, the profound not knowing how to live anymore. I help people to rebuild their lives. No-one can bring our babies back but together we can rebuild our lives.”

Do you think the stage at which we lose a baby makes a difference to the grieving process?

“Whether a baby died in “medical terms” by miscarriage stillbirth or neo natal death or by a failed fertility treatment (I hate those terms) does not signify anything in terms of the degree of the loss/pain. “

Can you tell us a little more about this grieving process?

“The grief is real and can only be measured by the person feeling it. When I worked in London, I mainly worked with people who had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And now what I see is that many bereaved parents have PTSD. So when I work with parents I can’t “fix’ the fact that their baby’s are gone but I can help them to learn to take care of themselves, accept the changes inside themselves, deal with their PTSD symptoms and learn to allow pleasure and joy back into their lives while still living with the absence of their babies. Even though I am a counsellor, I don’t believe that everyone who is bereaved needs counselling. (I could be shot for that) Grief just takes time and compassion and understanding. But if someone is really struggling, has used up all their own resources and feels the need themselves then it is time for counseling. People themselves usually know if they are stuck. (Apart from writing there is nothing like the joy I feel when that light comes back on inside someone.)”

What do you believe is needed to help grieving parents cope with the loss of their baby?

“I  think that advocacy is needed. The medical profession (with some exceptions) want us to accept the death of babies (as once they accepted the many deaths of mothers in pregnancy and childbirth) and this has to change. Unfortunately our babies are invisible to the outside world, so broken as we are, we have to speak for them. The rate of SIDS has gone down worldwide since parents forced the medical profession to sit up and do something. I believe that we will do the same.”

You recently published an e-book,  After Your Baby Dies. Can you tell us a little more about this and where it is available?

The first year after a beloved baby dies is an especially painful one.There were so many things I didn’t know after Hannah died, things that would have helped me cope better. I have written those things in the e-book and it is available free from Stillbirth Help.

Any final thoughts you would like to share with readers?

“Some people work in this field to honour their babies but in my heart I believe that Hannah is well in whatever the next place is. My hope is that someday we will be reunited. I do this because I don’t want my living daughters to go through what we have been through.”

Visit Martine’s website at http://www.martinebrennan.com

A poem for pregnancy loss and stillbirth

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
…If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.

Author Unknown

This beautiful poem was posted by Feileacain  (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Association of Ireland),  a newly formed not for profit organisation. Find out more at http://www.feileacain.ie/

Arrrghh!

I am so angry today. I was scheduled for a day 10 scan to see if there are follicles this cycle. I have been injecting myself with Gonal F all week. I am working today, so I made the appointment for 8.30 am anticipating that even with the customary delay at the clinic, I should be back in work by 10.30 or 11 am at the latest. When I arrived at the clinic there were already two other couples there and the receptionist said that the doctor was running behind. No surprises there – he is always running behind. I asked how much by and she said an hour. I asked her why she couldn’t ring the patients on the list and tell them this. I am so tired of this being the case each time I make an appointment and as I only live 10 minutes away from the clinic, it would make things less stressful if I knew I didn’t have to sit around with other stressed couples in the waiting room.

I went for a coffee and came back in a half hour but neither of the other couples had moved. One man was getting particularly edgy as he said he had to be in work. The tension was really palpable in the room. And another thing, I hate the inane tv shows that play in hospitals and clinics these days. Watching a stupid segment on underwear for Valentine’s Day is not relaxing!

Ok, long story short – two hours later and no one has been seen. I asked where I was on the list and I was 3rd. I reckoned I’d be there all morning at this rate – my blood pressure was boiling and I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked out. I know this means I miss the opportunity to have  a scan and I forego the opportunity to have another IUI this month, passing up a precious opportunity to conceive. But I just couldn’t take it one more minute – I thought back to my treatment in the hospital last August after my miscarriage, all the times I have had to sit heart in mouth waiting for scans, sick with anxiety and I just couldn’t stay in that room with all that tension any longer.

I had to slink into work like a drowned rat. There was no parking, so I had to park the car a mile away and walk in the rain cursing the system with stress levels rising. So this is my question to you. I have changed clinics two times and in each clinic it has been the same thing – unhelpful receptionists, crowded appointment and waiting times. Am I just a grouch? Is this all part of the TTC merry-go-round? Should I just accept this is the way it is?

And my second question is, how is it for those of you who are trying to hold down a job but have to take time off for appointments. My boss and co-workers are understanding (I think)  but there comes a point, where you can’t expect this to last forever. And why should it? I hate the fact that my private business is something that I have to bring into my work arena – but it very hard not to let it happen.

Last question..how on earth are you supposed to conceive a child when the whole process is overloaded with stress??

Why crying is good for you

After the failure of my IUI last Friday, I cried all day until there were no more tears left. I woke up with red rimmed swollen eyes next morning, feeling tired, sad and drained, but in other ways much better. It was as if those tears had cleansed away some of the pain.

Today, my blogger friend Therese, has a wonderful post on the healing power of tears and outlines seven ways in which a good cry can heal us physiologically, psychologically, and spiritually. Her list is based on Jerry Bergman’s The Miracle of Tears and I particularly like the points about crying lowering your stress levels, elevating your mood, releasing your feelings, and my favourite – building community.

Check out Therese’s post – it is a good read and next time you feel like giving full rein to your tears,  go right on ahead – it’s good for you!

How to offer words of comfort

I have been uplifted by everyone’s support and kind comments after my last post on my failed IUI – not just here but on my other blog. You all certainly knew just the right thing to say to me to make me feel better. It is wonderful to know that there is a place where you are understood and your feelings are validated. I think this is so important as Dr Robert Leahy points out in a recent article in the Huffington Post

 The most important thing in talking to someone who is upset is to communicate that 1) you understand they are upset, 2) you care about how they feel, and 3) you respect their right to have their feelings.

Leahy then goes on to break down into categories what not to say to someone who is upset.

1. Minimizing. This is the style where you treat your partner’s concerns as trivial: “It’s nothing. Why are you making a big deal out of it?” You are trying to tell them that their feelings are not related to anything real or important. So, the message they get is, “My feelings don’t matter to you.”
2. Rationalizing. You treat your partner’s concerns as evidence of their irrational and distorted thinking. You try to argue away their concerns. This is a specific kind of minimization, and it sends the same negative message: “Your feelings are based on nothing real. Get over it.” 
3. Competitive complaining. In this little game you don’t want your partner to “win” by being the one with the biggest complaints. So you start bringing up your own: “You think that’s bad? I think I might lose my job!” Again, your partner feels there is no room for her feelings. You matter more. 
4. Fixing. If your partner has unpleasant feelings, you jump in to try to solve all the problems. Laying out your well-thought-out plan, you get frustrated when she doesn’t buy into your solutions. This makes her feel less understood and she thinks, at times, that you are patronizing. 
5. Defending. In this scenario you treat your partner’s emotions as a personal attack on you. If he is upset, you feel that you are to blame, so you turn it into a trial and start defending yourself. This goes nowhere; you get more angry and dismiss his feelings. 
6. Stonewalling. In this case, you just withdraw. Feeling frustrated listening to her feelings, you withdraw, become silent and sullen and may leave the room. Now she is all alone, feeling abandoned.

 What To Say

Consider some of the following. Would you like to hear any of this when you are upset?

• “I know it must be hard for you feeling this way.”
• “I can see that it makes sense that you would feel down, given the way that you are seeing things.”
• “A lot of times you may feel that people don’t understand how hard it is for you.”
• “You must be thinking that this really down feeling is going to last a long time. It must be hard to feel that way.”
• “I want you to know that I am always here for you.”
• “I don’t want to sound like I don’t want to hear about your feelings. I do. But if there is anything that I can do to help you feel better, please let me know. Your feelings are really important to me.”

 

Maybe we should send this guide out to our friends and family as a handy reference guide next time we are struggling with our feelings and emotions around our treatment!