Arrrghh!

I am so angry today. I was scheduled for a day 10 scan to see if there are follicles this cycle. I have been injecting myself with Gonal F all week. I am working today, so I made the appointment for 8.30 am anticipating that even with the customary delay at the clinic, I should be back in work by 10.30 or 11 am at the latest. When I arrived at the clinic there were already two other couples there and the receptionist said that the doctor was running behind. No surprises there – he is always running behind. I asked how much by and she said an hour. I asked her why she couldn’t ring the patients on the list and tell them this. I am so tired of this being the case each time I make an appointment and as I only live 10 minutes away from the clinic, it would make things less stressful if I knew I didn’t have to sit around with other stressed couples in the waiting room.

I went for a coffee and came back in a half hour but neither of the other couples had moved. One man was getting particularly edgy as he said he had to be in work. The tension was really palpable in the room. And another thing, I hate the inane tv shows that play in hospitals and clinics these days. Watching a stupid segment on underwear for Valentine’s Day is not relaxing!

Ok, long story short – two hours later and no one has been seen. I asked where I was on the list and I was 3rd. I reckoned I’d be there all morning at this rate – my blood pressure was boiling and I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked out. I know this means I miss the opportunity to have  a scan and I forego the opportunity to have another IUI this month, passing up a precious opportunity to conceive. But I just couldn’t take it one more minute – I thought back to my treatment in the hospital last August after my miscarriage, all the times I have had to sit heart in mouth waiting for scans, sick with anxiety and I just couldn’t stay in that room with all that tension any longer.

I had to slink into work like a drowned rat. There was no parking, so I had to park the car a mile away and walk in the rain cursing the system with stress levels rising. So this is my question to you. I have changed clinics two times and in each clinic it has been the same thing – unhelpful receptionists, crowded appointment and waiting times. Am I just a grouch? Is this all part of the TTC merry-go-round? Should I just accept this is the way it is?

And my second question is, how is it for those of you who are trying to hold down a job but have to take time off for appointments. My boss and co-workers are understanding (I think)  but there comes a point, where you can’t expect this to last forever. And why should it? I hate the fact that my private business is something that I have to bring into my work arena – but it very hard not to let it happen.

Last question..how on earth are you supposed to conceive a child when the whole process is overloaded with stress??

This is the hardest part

Earlier today, I said that the hardest part of this journey with trying to conceive is waiting, waiting each month to see if a miracle has happened and you are pregnant. You spend those two weeks trying not to get too hopeful, but nevertheless hope bubbles up – you allow yourself the luxury of  a few moments spent working out the due date and you picture yourself holding your longed for baby in 9 months time. You keep on hoping..right up until the moment your hope dies.

My hope died again this afternoon when the cramping and spotting turned into a full on bleed and I couldn’t pretend it was implantation symptoms anymore. My period has come and the IUI has failed. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.

I should be ready for this shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t be sitting here typing through my tears. I shouldn’t be feeling this aching emptiness again as another month of trying and failing to get pregnant comes and goes. Yet here I am doing just that.

I don’t know how it can be any other way. You invest so much of yourself mentally, emotionally (and yes financially) in each attempt at assisted conception. Not only did I have the IUI procedure, but I also had acupuncture to help with the implantation and went for a hypno-fertility session where I visualised implantation taking place and held onto that image right up until this afternoon.  You have to believe, you have to have hope, but when it doesn’t happen, it takes such a toll on you emotionally.

How do we keep going on this path? I am finding it really, really hard right now and you know what, this isn’t even the hardest part of it all. The hardest part is when your miracle happens and you conceive your baby only to lose him again.

I said I wouldn’t complain but…

My period is a week late and I had convinced myself that I was experiencing some classic pregnancy symptoms for the past week – headache, low back ache, overwhelming tiredness, queasiness…I told myself not to get my hopes up and that after last Christmas Eve’s events, to stop believing in Christmas miracles. And yet, we do, don’t we? Continue to believe..particularly when the snow outside my window lends an air of magic to everything.

I duly purchased the pregnancy test and promised myself I wouldn’t test too early, but now a week has passed and still no sign of my period. I decided to test this morning..but all I got was that sad lonely old empty window telling me that this year there won’t be a Christmas miracle.

I promised myself I wouldn’t complain, but sometimes you just need to let the sadness out, before you paint on your happy Christmas face.

A new direction for fertility in Ireland

I am so excited about today’s post for several reasons. Firstly, I haven’t blogged in quite some time and I wanted to wait until I had something positive to write about before I did again. Secondly, I am excited to introduce you to two professionals who I sincerely believe will make a difference to fertility in Ireland.

Aisling Killoran of Accomplish Change Clinic is a certified Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist specialising in helping mums and dads conceive.  She follows the unique HypnoFertility™ programme which is a multi-faceted hypnotherapy programme used to help and support and facilitate natural conception and the medical process for women undergoing IVF, IUI, ICSI, and other medical procedures. This is a powerful, precise programme that supports the entire fertility process and is tailored for each individual for optimal health and wellbeing.

While Aisling can’t promise you will get pregnant, I can personally testify that what she can do is help you to achieve the best state of mind/body connection conducive to pregnancy.  I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend Aisling to anyone who is looking for a holistic approach to fertility.

And speaking of holistic approaches, Aisling has written a post this week on her blog about ReproMed Consultancy Services, a Fertility Clinic in Sandyford, Dublin that is worth blogging about. This service is run by Mr Declan Keane, Consultant Embryologist, with 18 years clinical experience and who is licensed/accredited by the Irish Medicines Board, UK Health Professions Council and European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology as a Senior Clinical Scientist.

Aisling met with Declan, earlier this week and on her blog she writes that she found him to be “a genuine sincere man full of integrity and passion in helping couples to conceive.” I confess to knowing a little about the man myself, as three years ago, he helped me produce a patient information booklet on breast cancer and fertility and he was wonderfully helpful then. Anyway, I got my own chance to speak with Declan yesterday and I share Aisling’s views. I too am impressed with his patient-centred approach and believe he is going to make a real difference to couples looking to conceive in Ireland.

If you are interested in learning more, check out Aisling’s blog, which incidentally is updated regularly with some great posts on trying to conceive.

And the waiting goes on…

Still another 11 days to go and I am driving myself crazy. Spent all weekend, googling early pregnancy symptoms and convincing myself I had some – headache (check) cramping (check) sore boobs (check) nausea (check) fatigue (check). Of course all of these symptoms are also my regular PMT signs and so I am swinging from convincing myself I am pregnant and telling myself it is PMT. If DH tells me one more time to stop thinking and just wait and see what is going to happen…..

How do you cope with the 2WW? And how do you prepare yourself for the worst if it doesn’t work out? I can’t face that possibility and yet DH keeps saying I have to prepare for it now.

What a day!

Home after a five hour round trip to the fertility clinic – it took longer than normal because of road works. Car was sweltering hot and we were both tired and cranky with each other after our visit to the clinic. However,  the good news is that there are four follicles – two on each side of the ovaries,  but only one is the optimal size at 18 mm ( in a gonadotropin cycle, mature follicle size is between 16-20 mm), and the uterine lining measured at 10 mm in thickness with is good, as optimal should be between 7-12 mm for successful implantation.

So far so good. After the internal exam, the doctor gave me instructions on the Ovitrelle  injection which is to trigger ovulation, and then told us when to time sexual intercourse over the next few days. At this stage she indicated that we were finished and yet there wasn’t a word mentioned of IUI. So I asked the question, what about IUI??? She flicked back and forth through the chart and said oh, are you down for IUI? We were really disturbed by that. She tore up the paper she had written the earlier instructions on and said forget about that then and I will be back in a minute, I need to consult with someone. We were left sitting stunned. It really knocked our confidence in what they are doing in that clinic. I forgot to say that on our first visit, they had no record of my original letter from my GP and had lost my chart so I find this worrying that there is another cock-up (if you’ll pardon the pun) today.

She returned to the consulting room with fresh instructions about when to take Ovitrelle (tonight at midnight) and an appointment to return on Friday at 9 am for the IUI treatment. DH kept making her clarify what she said “so there won’t be any more misunderstandings” . I knew by the tone of his voice he was furious, but I just didn’t want to cause a scene. I was stressed enough with the visit at this stage, that I just wanted to get out of there.

When we got back to the car,  he exploded about incompetence and the money we are spending on this and they can’t even be bothered to read our chart right…and I let him rant on until he calmed down…eventually. We drove out to Barna and went for lunch which helped restore our spirits..until the man at the table next to us had a stroke or a heart attack….literally I mean. DH leaped into action, checking for a pulse (very faint),  clearing a space for the unconscious man, getting cushions from a nearby banquette, laying him down…a right action hero, my husband. Thankfully the ambulance arrived quickly and as the poor man and his distraught wife were taken off to the hospital, we just thought what a day!!!

Implantation bleeding?

Ah the trials of TTC! So here I am once again obsessively trawling the web, chat forums, blogs, looking for anything I can find to help me determine what’s going on with my unpredictable reproductive system today.

Having returned last week from a much-needed vacation in the sun, where we took that old well-meaning  advice to heart..go have a holiday, relax and it will happen for you (!) I’ve been hoping against hope that we may have brought a permanent souvenir back with us. My period is due end of this week but this morning I started spotting. So is this the start of an early period or is it possibly implantation bleeding, which according to the material I’ve been reading can occur 6-12 days post ovulation?

Things are further complicated by the fact that I am due to start Gonal F (FSH stimulator) injections this cycle in preparation for IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) treatment. I had been meaning to update the blog with that information but then we went on holiday and I had some thinking to do about how I feel about taking this next step.

I have mixed feelings about it…initially I was excited as I felt at last someone expert is taking our fertility issues in hand. I felt as if a weight had been taken off our shoulders. I was really nervous beforehand, afraid they’d deliver some devastating news.. but all our tests were fine..except that my progesterone levels are low but they can work on that. I wasn’t expecting to start on treatment straight away but the consultant reccommended IUI for our next cycle.

Afterwards  I felt a little overwhelmed – I think I always hoped that we’d get pregnant without intervention, so I am just trying to adjust to this new step now. I am torn between excitement, relief, apprehension and fear. How will I cope with this new rollercoaster of fertility treatment which I know can take its toll on couples? And here I am once more waiting..to determine if this an early period or am I really pregnant?  Will I be starting fertility treatment this week or celebrating a pregnancy? Like I say…the trials of TTC!!!

The empty window

I cried all day today. Four days late with my period. Convinced myself I had those pregnancy symptoms from before – headache, fatigue, slight cramping – and besides my period was four days late – and I have become regular as clockwork every 28 days, so surely that was a very good sign.  It took the greatest strength of will not to test before now. I had to force myself not to go to the pharmacy and buy a home pregnancy testing kit. But then, today I gave in. I reasoned I needed to know as soon as possible in case I needed to start on those heparin injections or make an appointment at the early pregnancy clinic. Well, those of you on the fertility journey know how it is – you pee, you test, you wait, you hope, you pray, you plead, you dream – a world of possibilities in that 3 minute wait – willing that small pink line to appear in the window – just a small pink line that’s all you need to make your dreams come true. And instead, an empty window – the saddest, most lonely, most achingly empty window you will ever see. And so I cried today for another dream died, and my heart is heavy and I feel as empty inside as the blank window on the home pregnancy test now lying at the bottom of the wastebasket.

Acupuncture update

Yesterday I had my third acupuncture session…and I am not happy…

If you remember I started spotting after my first session, and that spotting got heavier over the next few days until I ended up with a full bleed. I was very confused, as I thought I was due to ovulate that month and here I was with what looked like a period, two weeks after my last period. I started to panic a bit and thought for a mad few hours that I was having another miscarriage – it seemed like I was. I ended up taking a pregnancy test, fearful that I was and fearful that I wasn’t at the same time. Of course it was negative, but it took a huge toll on me emotionally.  I bled for most of that week after my first session.

When I went back the next week, the practitioner said not to worry, although it was an extreme reaction, it was part of the process of regulating my cycle. Now, I thought my cycle was pretty regular to begin with, but since starting acupuncture, my CM has dried up and I am not ovulating.  I need to trust in the process and hold onto the bigger picture. It is hard though. I worked for nearly a year to get myself to a point where my periods were regular and I was ovulating, so it is hard to let go of the control and find myself in this position again. It is hard to trust the process sometimes….

I almost wish I had never got pregnant

“I almost wish it had never happened, that I had never got pregnant”. I found myself saying those words to a girl I met for the first time last night. I was sitting beside her at a dinner my husband and I were attending for his work. Usually I endure rather than enjoy these events, but as luck would have it, I got sitting beside someone who works in the area of cancer epidemiology and we started talking about that subject – this being another topic I have a lot of experience in.  I talked with her about the issue of younger women and cancer and fertility but I did so from a professional stand point. However, a few hours into the evening, she confided in me that she was having fertility challenges too and I felt an even greater affinity with her. And that’s when I told her that part of me wished I had never got pregnant in the first place. Before the pregnancy this year, I was coming around to accepting that my breast cancer treatment had left me infertile. It was very upsetting of course, but in a way while there was a defined reason for not getting pregnant  it was somehow easier to deal with. It was out of my hands – it was nothing I had done or hadn’t done that prevented me from conceiving. We weren’t even trying to conceive in any major planned way – we weren’t on this roller coaster of emotions that I find myself on now that I am dealing with secondary infertility. I am finding this new situation even harder than the days when I thought that only a miracle would see me conceive. I believed in miracles in those days, but my faith in miracles is being sorely tested as the weeks and months slip by…