Secret anniversary of the heart

I can’t believe a whole year has passed. Has it really been a whole twelve months, a whole 365 days since I lost my tiny miracle? I’ve been reading over my blog entries for this day and the succeeding days from last year and I can feel my heart-break all over again. I feel my despair, my shock, my longing for things to be different and it feels as real as it did a year ago.

My husband has no patience with this. I said it’s the first anniversary of the miscarriage and he said, why would you dwell on that? How can you mark an anniversary of something sad? It’s in the past. We need to move on. He doesn’t mean to be so lacking in understanding and empathy – it’s just in his mind, a whole year has passed in which other things have happened and he has moved on, so why can’t I?

Yes, why can’t I? Perhaps, because in the past year, we have tried and failed to get pregnant, except at Christmas-time when we faced another miscarriage. In the past year, I have been riding the rollercoaster of hope and despair. I have celebrated another birthday, become a year older, watched the due day of the baby come and go in January and in my heart marked the milestones that would have been.  

No one else will remember that today is a significant anniversary for me.. a secret anniversary of the heart, but I will always think of it as such. So while in my head, I can see the wisdom of what my husband is saying, my heart you see tells a different story…