This is the hardest part

Earlier today, I said that the hardest part of this journey with trying to conceive is waiting, waiting each month to see if a miracle has happened and you are pregnant. You spend those two weeks trying not to get too hopeful, but nevertheless hope bubbles up – you allow yourself the luxury of  a few moments spent working out the due date and you picture yourself holding your longed for baby in 9 months time. You keep on hoping..right up until the moment your hope dies.

My hope died again this afternoon when the cramping and spotting turned into a full on bleed and I couldn’t pretend it was implantation symptoms anymore. My period has come and the IUI has failed. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.

I should be ready for this shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t be sitting here typing through my tears. I shouldn’t be feeling this aching emptiness again as another month of trying and failing to get pregnant comes and goes. Yet here I am doing just that.

I don’t know how it can be any other way. You invest so much of yourself mentally, emotionally (and yes financially) in each attempt at assisted conception. Not only did I have the IUI procedure, but I also had acupuncture to help with the implantation and went for a hypno-fertility session where I visualised implantation taking place and held onto that image right up until this afternoon.  You have to believe, you have to have hope, but when it doesn’t happen, it takes such a toll on you emotionally.

How do we keep going on this path? I am finding it really, really hard right now and you know what, this isn’t even the hardest part of it all. The hardest part is when your miracle happens and you conceive your baby only to lose him again.

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Adele Murray
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 17:24:05

    Oh I am so sorry – I know what it is like to get your hopes up month after month only to have them cruelly dashed. Just be gentle with yourself this weekend – lots of TLC x

    Reply

  2. Vicki B.
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 17:26:08

    Adele is right – lots of TLC – I always try to plan something nice for myself each month..just in case…

    Reply

  3. Connie
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 17:30:28

    Oh my dear, you are in my thoughts x

    Reply

  4. Steph
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 17:55:40

    Oh, Marie

    It’s just NOT fair.

    I don’t know if this will help but I sometimes find that when the chips are down, it helps a little to focus on what’s good in your life.

    It won’t take away the hurt but it will help you to appreciate that things could be worse.

    Sending love and understanding… Steph

    Reply

    • JBBC
      Feb 07, 2011 @ 17:56:49

      Steph, thank you! From anyone else this would sound like a platitude – but knowing you as I do, I will take your advice very much to heart. I still read your email to me after last year’s miscarriage and your words of wisdom at that time still help me enormously.

      Reply

  5. debbie
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 18:24:02

    Oh my dearest Marie, I am so sorry that you are going through this and hurting so bad. I am sending you a hug and warmth and lighting a candle for you in my heart.
    You have to hope, it is really the only option but I know that hoping can leave us vulnerable, so very, very vulnerable. It is scary to keep hoping but we have to do just that. Right now you have to allow yourself time to mourn again, time to be sad and hurt. We all must acknowledge and accept that sadness is going to be a part of our lives and when it comes allow it, accept it as much as we can so we can truly feel it. At least that is always the first step my therapist tells me to do, accept and acknowledge your feelings and know that it is okay to feel that way.
    Then get ready to move forward, use your husband, your family your friends and all the other tools you have developed to help you get through the rough patches. Use them again and again until they start to work. Until you start to see a few glimmers of light breaking through the darkness. I am shinning a light from across the sea to you.

    I have been searching for something to share with you in the hopes of helping you feel a little bit better. Here is what I found, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthians 13:7

    “Faith is confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” – Hebrews 11:1

    I am hoping, having faith and sending love to you. With a big hug from across the sea.
    Debbie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  6. Joyce
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 19:41:25

    Hug hugs to you!
    I found your website as I was looking for people in the same situation as me: having recently done and IUI and now just waiting. I had my first IUI done this week 02/02 and will be testing for my BFP on 02/16. I’m hopeful but am not sure it’s going to work (IMO the IUI was done too late – day 17). Anyway, I just wanted to say that although your news is not what you hoped for, you’re very courageous for sharing your story. Have faith as there is a great plan for all of us.

    Reply

  7. Lorna - Garrendenny Lane
    Feb 04, 2011 @ 22:00:11

    Oh, my dear Marie, I am so so sorry this has happened and you are right, the only thing worse than not conceiving is to conceive and lose your baby.
    I can so understand you wanting to crawl into a dark hole and not want to come out again – perhaps punching the wall and cursing madly might help too! I’m not trying to be glib here, I’m cursing away enough for both of us, it just isn’t fair.
    My thoughts are with you and I wish there was something concrete I could do,
    xx

    Reply

  8. Trackback: This is the hardest part | Fertility Acupuncture
  9. Katie
    Feb 05, 2011 @ 14:20:57

    Holding you in love and light Marie.

    Katie

    Reply

  10. Womb For Improvement
    Feb 05, 2011 @ 19:58:13

    I am so sorry. Look after yourself this weekend. Don’t think about the next step yet.

    Reply

  11. s
    Feb 05, 2011 @ 21:31:00

    Below is something I wrote after the death of my husband, a man who held hope so strong in all the 12 years of his treatment for cancer that it was inspirational, but also daunting when I was more overcome with despair or depression rather than hope. This has also been a fitting piece for me during my attempts to conceive his child through IVF, and I thought it might resonate with you.

    “Hope is a marvelous, miraculous emotion. At times when you need it most, it may be allusive or even non-existent. Then, suddenly when you think hope is gone it peeks around the corner at you, giving you a coy wink, and dares you to chase it. The hide and seek continues, not a game but real life and real death when the difference of outcome may be influenced by relentlessly searching it out, grabbing hold of it and not letting go.”

    (Three years later, I now see the hope I wrote of as being vital to the survival of our own spirit, rather than referring to a physical life. Thinking comforting thoughts for you—be gentle with yourself. )

    Reply

  12. nancyspoint
    Feb 06, 2011 @ 16:45:24

    Marie, I have no words to make much of a difference. They would be inadequate. All I can say is I’m truly sorry. Sending love and friendship…

    Reply

  13. feistybluegecko
    Feb 07, 2011 @ 05:04:40

    Holding on to hope with you M, and sending warm hugs as there are no words that can do the job. Thinking of you, love P xx

    Reply

  14. Martine Brennan
    Feb 07, 2011 @ 17:36:13

    i am so very sad your babies aren’t with you Huge hugs x

    Reply

  15. Rica
    Feb 07, 2011 @ 19:12:55

    😦

    Reply

  16. Marcia Banta
    Feb 09, 2011 @ 06:27:57

    I am so, so sorry for your heartache. May you find warmth from all your friends in this cold time.

    Reply

  17. Trackback: Why crying is good for you « Diary of a Miracle

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